Are You Stuck in Your “Story”?

Here’s a Way Out

By Dr. Scott Peck & Shannon Peck

 

It’s easy to get stuck in your “story.”

Here are some examples:

• I’m in a miserable relationship & can’t escape.
• I was in a miserable relationship that’s over but I still can’t escape the trauma.
• I’m in a decent relationship but we keep repeating negative patterns that are impossible to resolve.
• I was abandoned & can’t escape the hurt.
• I’m stuck in my current job & there’s no way out.
• I can’t seem to make progress on my true life goals.
• I’m so angry politically that I could scream!

Any of these “stories” fit you?

We all get stuck in “stories.”  That’s normal. But some stay stuck in their “story” throughout their entire lives. That’s sad.

Being stuck in a “story” is devastating to the soul. It feels hopeless. It is living life in perpetual conflict.

We both know the pain.

Shannon was in an 18-year marriage that was painful & emotionally abusive. Scott was in two previous marriages that were suffocating to his soul.

Between the two of us, we experienced agony for many years.

But we didn’t stay stuck in these stories.

By using her difficult relationship as a catalyst, Shannon’s painful story necessitated her to become a spiritual warrior in her healing practice – for herself, as well as helping others. Who knew!!

Rather than staying stuck in a story called “a miserable marriage,” she allowed the pain & struggle to create a new way of being while still living in the same marriage.

So what happened? Well, after 18 years, her husband left her for another woman. Even though the marriage was terrible, she still felt devastated – like a train wreck. How could this be a solution to her life?

Scott wasn’t doing much better on the relationship front. His first 7-year marriage had ended and now his second 7-year marriage was failing. At one point, he said to his wife, “If we want this relationship to improve, we’re going to have to work at it. Are you willing?” She said “No!”

Well that was a surprise to Scott. But it was the straw that ended the marriage.

So there was Scott, now divorced and alone (and relieved) but convinced that his “story” was “a complete failure in love.”

Yet Scott, like Shannon (who he didn’t know yet) took steps to transcend this story. He realized that his own standards for love needed to rise a lot higher. He decided that he would never enter another relationship where there wasn’t an equal giving of love. He decided he’d rather be single forever than ever again be in a relationship of conflict.

Then we met – & a new “story” of the happiest couple in the universe began to unfold.

What seemed like a story of a ‘train wreck” to Shannon seemed like a story of a “Seak team rescue” to Scott. Shannon’s husband leaving her created the space for us to meet & marry. Who could have guessed?

Because each of us had been working deeply to transcend our “stories,” we met, not as weak, suffering, desperate individuals, but as strong, resilient, soul beings in touch with our inherent identity.

The road to peace in life requires that we move past our “stories” of conflict. We might pray that a relationship improve, or that we meet our love mate exactly how we’ve envisioned, but that might not be your highest immediate destiny.

Soul surprises. Go deeper into your soul and let Soul (rather than you) create the forms of your life.

Soul surprises come much faster when you work at transcending any “story” that has trapped you in conflict. The power to do that is within you – & not dependent on anyone else.

May your heart be free of all suffering & may you live in peace.

If you’d like to learn more about moving past your story into greater peace, join us for our FREE Peace Course, Become a Peace Master. It beings January 28^th.

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How We Handle Conflict

in Our Own Marriage

By Dr. Scott Peck & Shannon Peck

 

We are an amazingly happy couple.

Do we have conflict?

Of course we do. But we move past conflict into the peace zone as rapidly as possible.

Here’s what usually happens.

• We disagree about something
• Shannon knows she’s right
• Scott also knows he’s right.
• We tangle verbally from that perspective without happy results.
• Feelings are usually hurt.
• It becomes obvious that we are in a state of conflict rather than a state of peace.

It’s interesting what happens next.

We often take time alone to cool down & reflect.

Shannon goes to her inner refuge, politely, behind a closed door to pray and reflect and calm herself. This takes time but it’s vital to our relationship.

During the quiet time, she allows herself to explore her feelings of anger, hurt, & frustration.  And to acknowledge these fully. She notes the energy of anger and how forceful, aggressive, even hurried it is. “No time! I must vent now!”

Then, she waits for insights which help her come into clarity and gain a perspective.

Sometimes, if she’s still upset, she will try and distance herself from the story with detachment (e.g. “This situation and anger do not define me!”). She’s interested in being true to herself as well as learning something and moving higher into peace. Who doesn’t crave peace when they’re feeling stressed, hurt, or angry!

All these practices lead to a softening within Shannon’s heart. She knows our loving relationship is more important than any conflict. She wants to protect it.

Scott’s private approach is slightly different. He knows & loves the 10 peace steps of a Peace Master that we teach & he tries to live from this consciousness – so conflict deeply disturbs him within himself.

In his alone time, Scott too gets out his feelings on paper, but even as he’s doing this, he’s knowing “I’m going to be very unhappy with myself if I don’t get in the peace zone quickly – & I know It’s up to me.” He knows that peace comes from a heart at peace vs a heart at war, as the authors of “The Anatomy of Peace” (Arbinger Institute) discuss. And he knows that, in our own teaching, that envisioning peace privately is the first step.

As a result, Scott opens the door in his heart for envisioning peace vs feeling angry, upset, disturbed, or misunderstood.

All these practices lead to a softening within Scott’s heart. He knows our fabulous, loving relationship is more important than any conflict.

By the time we get together again, both our hearts are softer. Both hearts are seeking peace. One of us might apologize (in our private reflection, it often becomes more obvious who might have precipitated the conflict). Then we listen to each other – really listen.  In that open listening, we see the conflict from the other’s point of view. That is usually quite awakening because we are no longer defensive & defending our “position.” We both use sweet words, soft words, as we explore what needs to be explored. This leads to loving resolution & a restoration of our free-flowing love together.

This is honestly what happens in our relationship. We know we love each other & we each relish peace over conflict. It’s not always a snap to get to peace together, but we always do. We are probably in a state of peace with each other about 97% of the time because of our dedication to these practices of deep love for each other. But that 3% can be tough. Our commitment to moving past conflict into peace, however, is so important to each of us that this 3% never gets a foothold in our lives.

There’s another story we’ll share  later of our previous marriages & the hell we went through & how we created peace within ourselves.

If you’d like to get better at turning conflict into peace in your relationships, please join our FREE 10-week Peace Course, Become a Peace Master.

It begins January 28, 2017 as part of the Season for NonViolence created to honor Gandhi & Martin Luther King.  

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How Much Conflict is in Your Life?

Is Peace Possible?

By Dr. Scott Peck & Shannon Peck

 

Let’s see. Any of this accurate?

• I have conflict within myself. “Yes, I’m often in inner turmoil.”
• I have conflict in my personal relationships. “Why is it so hard to have peace?”
• I have conflict in my most intimate relationships. “It just happens so quickly.”
• I have conflict at work – especially with one person. “It’s unsolvable.”
• I have conflict when I think of politics. “I can’t believe what’s happening.”
• I have conflict when I think of the Earth. “Will we wake up in time?
• I have conflict when I think of all the refugees. “What will happen to them?”
• I have conflict when I think of all the hate on this planet. “Is there a solution?”

Whether it’s one or all of these, conflicts drag us down. They depress, frighten, annoy, create anger, debilitate, & hold our happiness captive.

How long do you plan to live with these conflicts within you?

“Oh, you mean I have a choice!  I don’t think so. Some of my conflicts are beyond healing.”

We understand. Anyone in conflict needs a lot of empathy. It’s not easy to be in the suffering of conflict. Our hearts are fragile. We want understanding, compassion, resolution. There often doesn’t seem a way out. We’re stuck in conflict.

What can you do?

• Hold your anger internally?  “I do that all the time. Not much comfort there.”
• Vent your feelings?  “When I do, things often get worse.”
• Wish for revenge or karma?  “Oh, I’m a master of that.”
• Withdraw?  “Yes, that’s me, but the conflict keeps festering inside me.”

There is a higher path.

It’s not an easy path, but it has the power to transform conflict into peace. And the power to build peace within yourself – regardless of outcomes.

Peace does not just mean the absence of conflict, even though it might feel like a wave of relief to have conflict stop in your life, even for a minute, or a day. During our previous marriages, we each prayed for such relief from conflict. It seemed hopeless.

Peace means the presence of something – listening, compassion, goodwill, openness to solutions, justice, even unity.

As your thought shifts to this way of thinking, you begin the journey of becoming a Peace Master.

One of the most difficult tasks of a Peace Master is to envision peace.

Here’s a small example from Scotty’s life – in his words.

One day, as a real estate agent with my partner Bob, we went to visit our clients – a husband and wife. When we arrived at their home, our for sale sign was missing from the post. We walked to the side of the house and saw that the sign had been beaten to death – smashed apart. Our client was obviously very upset.

As we approached the front door, my partner Bob said, in a humorous but serious jest: “I’m looking forward to seeing how your peace skills handle this one!” (He’s been to our workshops!)

But I was already at work as a Peace Master – meaning that I was internally envisioning that peace was possible. I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know what the conflict was yet. But I was already envisioning transcending the conflict.

The key here is that envisioning peace doesn’t involve anyone else. It’s entirely within your own consciousness. It is not something dependent on a condition, circumstance, or another person. It happens alone with you. That’s what makes this peace step so powerful. There is nothing in the universe holding you back from envisioning peace.

We entered the home. The husband’s face was red with contained anger. The wife didn’t know what to say or do. Even before sitting down, I took the initiative & said to the husband in a loving,  empathetic tone, “You’re obviously upset over something. I’d like to hear your thoughts.”

He shared why he was upset, and, frankly, to this day, I can’t remember what it was. It was a misunderstanding of something in the sales process and didn’t even involve us. As this became apparent & his feelings got out – without resistance – he settled down. We all did.

He stuck with us & soon after that, we sold their home. That was over a decade ago. We still get together with this couple once a year to celebrate the sale – and we have an easy-going friendship. That conflict was transformed into genuine peace.

Now that’s a small example and one that turned out well. There are obviously much bigger conflicts to address.

You can begin by developing the peace skill of envisioning. Let’s practice that right now:

Pick a conflict within you that you would like to move towards peace. Now quietly, by yourself, let in the idea that peace is possible. That might seem ridiculous or impossible. Don’t focus on “how.” Just focus on the possibility.

Let your heart open, soften. Begin to release all those currents of the conflict. Take all the time you need for this new way of thinking to emerge. Allow yourself to simply cherish the idea of thinking about peace. It doesn’t matter whether it will happen – or how it will happen. You are developing the muscle of a Peace Master.

That’s step one!

Whew!  That’s not an easy step.

Well, think of Nelson Mandela when he was in prison in South Africa. There was no evidence of any possibility of ending the conflict, not to mention achieving peace. But he envisioned. It was private. He did it alone. He was strengthening his resolve & intention as a Peace Master.

• Would you like to get better at this first step as a Peace Master?

• Would you like to know the next 9 steps for transforming conflict into peace?

• Would you like to learn how to have inner peace even when conflict seems overwhelming & unhealable?

• Would you like to know how we apply these peace skills in our marriage when we have conflict?

We invite you to sign up for our free Peace Course where we will move through each peace skill, plus much more, with shared discussions & questions. It begins January 28, 2017 as part of the Season for NonViolence created to honor Gandhi & Martin Luther King. 

Thank you for each step you take on the path of a Peace Master.

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