Love Skill #23 – Reflect Back & Validate


Love Skill #23

Reflect Back & Validate 

By Dr. Scott Peck & Shannon Peck 


The truly hear & understand another being
is one of the highest gifts of love
you can give

Listening is a wonderful love skill. But how do others know you have actually heard them? In fact, how do you know you have accurately heard them?

The beauty of reflecting back and validating is that you can confirm that you have accurately heard what has been said.

Here’s how it is done.

When listening to someone, he or she will eventually come to a place of true ending, where the love skills of silence or “Tell me more…” are no longer needed.

This end point is the perfect moment to reflect back what you think you heard. Try to summarize in your own words what you heard. Don’t judge what has been said or give your interpretation. Just state what you think you heard. A successful way to do this is to start by saying, “What I hear you saying is…” and then add at the end, “Is that accurate?”

Be silent. Let them respond. They may pause. Don’t think this is about you being judged. It’s still about the other person. Was this person heard and understood? That’s the key question in your heart.

If your reflecting back is accurate, the person will say or indicate “Yes” and often keep on talking – at an even deeper level of openness and intimacy.

If your empathy was off, the person will say so and (if your love is still present and active in your heart) you will get another chance to listen with more keenness. Remember, this is not about you. This is about the other person. Did you hear accurately? Your heart wants to know. If you were off, you want to get it right.
Why? Because to truly hear and understand another being is one of the highest gifts of love you can give. As a Love Master, you want genuine intimacy and you know the loving power of reflecting back and validating what another has shared.

Reflecting back is a subtle love skill. To do it well, you don’t merely repeat another’s words. You state what you heard in your own words, but without judging or changing the meaning. This is one of the keys to the art of loving.

You can also reflect back on a feeling level. Even though you may have heard lots of words, your reflecting back might be, “What I hear you feeling is that you are a bit worried about this transition but confident at the same time. Is that accurate?”

And the response back to you might be, “Well, almost. I’d say…” and the person will clarify in more detail. The result will be genuine love and expanded intimacy.

Reflecting back and validating is a top love skill in the tool kit of a Love Master.


Love reflected in Love
is the Ecstasy of Oneness

Action Step

Practice getting natural at reflecting back & validating.
Use your own words. Reflect back with humility
Watch the love magic that happens!

Go to Next Love Skill         Return to Love Course

Copyright (c) 2006-2017 by Scott & Shannon Peck

Print Friendly, PDF & Email